Don't F With Me I Live in Chicago

Me > Oprah

I told her to get her ass to packing after she shut down Michigan Avenue for the Black Eyed Peas. Nobody doubles my commute time for the lyrics "Fill up my cup / Mazel tov / Look at her dancing / Just take it off." DFWM.

"Cloud Gate"

No people, this is just a giant fucking bean. DFWM.

Al Bundy

...is my next-door neighbor. On my other side is Roseanne Barr. We consolidated our back yards to make a cockfighting ring. DFWM.

Flip-flop Weather

...is a -8 degree windchill. What's that? Frostbite? You don't need those little toes anyway, you pussy. DFWM.

10.25%

Chicago sales tax: paying for politicians' indoor swimming pools since 1952. DFWM.

Because I do what the F*#$ I want.

And I crashed Ferraris, Kanye-style.........IN THE 80s.

Capone>Stallone

Cement shoes in the river trumps a dancing stallion any day. DFWM.

F Your Raspberry Coulis

My lunch today consisted of a 12-oz. Porterhouse topped with a pure Vienna Beef hot dog, smothered in cheddar cheese and mayonnaise, with a side of whole live chicken. Dessert was a gallon of fried mint chocolate chip ice cream topped with battery acid. DFWM.

Blago's Hair

...makes Trump's combover cry.

And pee itself. DFWM.

The Willis Tower

...because the Brits want a piece of our giant Chicago cock. DFWM.